I think we all know well enough by now that just about
everything pisses me off.
But of late, here’s one thing that makes me want to run over
the guilty parties with a monster truck: New Moms.
“Why new moms?” you ask. “What have they done to deserve
your wrath?” you question.
Well lemme answer that for you. After tossing their precious
little piglets out of their in house barbecue pit, new moms and their offspring
start to squeal. And I hate it
You go silent for the 3 years you’re on facebook. And one
day after you’ve delivered your nuclear warload of babyfat, you hit the damn
site with a vengeance. Look newmom, I get it – you’re ecstatic. You’re
thrilled. But you need to get your shit together. 2000 baby pics in 24 hours doesn’t
endear you to me. Asking your fellow facebookers as to how to go take a long
shit without being interrupted by the baby is of no interest to me. Squealing like
you’re having anal sex for the first time in your life each time your nuclear
reactor grows a pube or vomits down your cleavage is not something ANYONE wants
to know.
And then you tag me into that monstrosity that is your life.
I don’t want to be tagged in your baby’s naked bottom wriggling video, thank
you very much. If you’re really looking for someone to appreciate baby poo
coming out in ‘the cutest manner ever’, there’s a website for that. And a list
of people who have been registered legally for enjoying exactly that kinda
thing. It’s called the registered sex offenders list.
Look, I’m happy for you. I really am. But that baby of yours
stands no chance of being appreciated if you stick it in my face or on my wall
every thirty seconds. Not by someone who is not a paedophile, for sure. Every time
you want to torture your poor friends with this shit, please, think again. How
would you feel if I posted pictures of you being breastfed by your mother?
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Here’s some ground rules:
1.
Don’t post non stop shit on facebook about your
kid. You look like you’re heavily trying to overcompensate for that one night
where you had unprotected sex, didn’t want a child and hoped to God that your
vaginal odor killed your partner’s swimmers before they hit home.
2.
If you must post shit, don’t tag people who are
not family or those who actually give a shit. Unless this is my/my best friend's offspring or Godchild or nephew / offspring of a hot cousin or offspring of a lame cousin's hot wife, I'm really not interested.
3.
I know you used to know the real meaning of
talking dirty. But somewhere down the line, between your food cravings,
doctoral stirrups and ultrasounds, you got really old. Which is why your idea
of dirty talk is to discuss your baby’s poo habits. Stop it. NOW.
4.
I know you think your newly born mammal is the
equivalent of God’s own spawn. But it is not the case. People don’t care.
Unless of course, the kid has 16 toes and 32 fingers. Then yes, sell your story
to the newspaper cause it ll be the only chance you ll get to make money off
your kid before it bleeds you dry.
5.
Don’t engage me in conversation after a whole
year’s silence of every mode of communication possible just because you’re
tired of talking to the same people about your baby. How the fuck is talking
about your new born gonna make up for the fact that you didn’t wish me on my
birthday, ask how I am or say anything in my direction every now and then?
I didn’t delete you previously because, let’s face it, your sister is super hot.
But don’t force my hand, newmom, it won't end well. And before you know it, the fact that I can't virtually stalk your super hot sister because of your recklessness is what results in me having to plan out some unbelievably devious form of karmic vengeance.
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