"Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall in a gutter and die"

On my way back home from work yesterday, I was stopped by a cop, to allow a few pedestrians to cross the road.

Happening to be in a non whingy mood, I smiled and waved a hello at him.

He stared at me as if I was Osama Bin Laden offering him a free blow job.

We live in a loveless world, I tell ya!


Not letting it defeat my mood, I moved on.

But that apparently, triggered an alarm in this paranoid bugger's head. Cause hero cop got suspicious and had my vehicle stopped by a waiting posse of officers at the next traffic light.

A quick chat followed, they let me go, along with the sheepish explanation that it being the anniversary of 26/11, had made all the cops nervous and on high alert.

Absolute nonsense, it was. I intend to shoot the next traffic cop to make sure people don't misread my motives.

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Spiderman in China and the Noodle Shootout.

I went to a chinese restaurant for dinner.

At the end of my meal, I was given a fortune cookie.

The cookie tasted like garbage.

And my fortune, neatly typed on a piece of paper read: You will soon get a radical new look. It will cause heads to turn as complete strangers turn away to avoid eye contact with you.

I was too busy doubled over laughing to be angry then.

But now I am. What the fuck, Chinaman?

(Turns out it was a 'naughty' cookie; It was served to me 'in error'; They keep them for 'some' guests who enjoy a little bit of 'light Chinese humor'. Now, fuck me upside down on an ant farm but the Chinese and humor? Isn't that a tad hard to digest? My guess is they've outsourced the copy writing job to a coupla paddies)

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Open Letter to a select few at the Taj Residency.

Dear Chef @ Taj Residency, Bangalore

When two partied-out people come to your 24 hour coffee shop at 2 in the morning, and order two cups of cappuccino,

What you should do is:
a) Make them cappuccino.
b) Make them cappuccino the way cappuccino is made by someone who knows how to make it.
c) Thank your stars they are not throwing up in your kitchen.

What you should not do, is:
a) Give them a concoction that tastes like chicken broth
b) Expect them to like the said concoction
c) Charge them Rs 1200 bucks for 2 pint sized cups of said broth like concoction.
d) Have both people waking up next morning cursing you for ruining their otherwise enjoyable night.

Because the guy will come back, the next day. At the same time of the night. Bringing a colleague of his who has booked a company conference at your venue. And make him drink your idea of Cappucino.


Dear Harried Waiter @ Taj Residency Bangalore,

When two partied out folks come to your 24 hour coffee shop at 2AM and ask to be served 2 cups of coffee and nothing more,

It means:
a) They've had alcohol and thusly ask for coffee. (I don't know how it works with you but most people tend to eat very little after drinking a lot) 
b) They have money. But they are not hungry.
c) That all they want is a good cuppa coffee. Not much else.
d) That if you leave them be, they ll leave you a decent tip and be on their way.
e) When they are on their way, they'll make it a point to appreciate your service

But when you:
a) Turn up your nose at their order, like it's a crime to order merely coffee at your precious hotel
b) Ask repeatedly if coffee is all they want to order. Giving them the menu thrice is not subtle. At all.
c) Make a fuss about replacing the broth that goes under the ridiculous alias of coffee.
d) Serve 2 more glasses of equally rabid tasting broth as the replacement for the first round of broth.
e) Charge the victims for both rounds (the original and replacement broth) 
and f) Frown at not receiving a tip

You will end up facing:
a) Two irate customers
b) One of whom knows the person who has booked the company conference at your hotel
c) Bring him the next day, same time, make him drink your broth and watch your attitude
d) Discreetly inform your manager via the feedback form that you and your chef have conspired to lose your company a 200 member conference booking to the hotel next door.
e) Bump into you while leaving, causing you to spill the contents of your tray on to the customer you were serving at that time.

And So:
knowing that you're likely to be fired, my sincere advise to you is a) make sure you work on your manners, and b) pray to God your next employers have a half decent chef.

Much Regards
Monty.

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Eggheads.

Client's SMS to self: "Sorri cn't mke it 4 lnch, I'm wrkng tom"

My Reply: "Who is Tom and why are you working him?"


Two hours later, what do I get for my troubles? A warning from the boss that I  "must not indulge in sexually inappropriate behavior with your clients"

People just don't have a sense of humor anymore. 

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The Heights of everything, witness a daily redefinition.

Over at my other home in Chennai, the family decided to bestow upon me, the decidedly wretched task of finding a new maid. Having done that, they gave me the even more wretched task of having to go to the local cop house to get her background verification report thingie.

You see, of late, maids have to be registered at the local police station, and all employers of maids have to get a ref check done on them before employing them. It's a voluntary thing of course, but highly recommended. And of course, all new parents insist on it.

I thought it was rather absurd. Aren't only petty criminals and not so petty criminals registered in there?

But my sister has every right to be paranoid. You see, maids have a new modus operandi. They drug the baby, and when the parents are away at work, put them out to beg on the streets, lugged around by a fake mother who presents the child as her own starving little 200th wonder of the world.

I wouldn't have believed it, if my family hadn't known somebody who knew somebody who was a 300-kilometer-away neighbor of some poor family who found their kid being used as a decoy to beg, when a friend saw the kid and thought the kid was familiar.

That solitary incident will soon enough, be being media frenzied into a state where the odd idiot maid (I mean, come on, you gotta at least attempt to disguise the kid if you're gonna take the risk of making him/her beg in public, right?) is thought of to be a part of a bigger conspiracy; a conglomerate of maids who profiteer at their employers' expense.

It's bad enough how paranoid new parents are. This incident has just given them all the more ammo to go cuckoo to the point where they need the straitjacket more than their bratty kids do. And well, my family's no stranger to the concept of paranoia.

On the bright side, Baby Fat isn't required for the production of Cosmetics. Doesn't that put all you parents out there a wee bit more at ease?

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Monty. Always ahead of the chasing pack.

Science took 10 years of geo tagging and snooping around on 15000 men's lives to figure out what I knew from the first sip.

That alcohol is good for you.

Me and about 30 million Irish people are taking this opportunity to proudly say "I fucking told you so".

And, in other news, all other items of newsworthiness have paled into insignificance as vast hordes of men have bounded down to the local pub. "You go to the gym and pump some muscles, sonny. I'm gonna go to the pub and have some health pumped into my suddenly weak-feeling heart"

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Brainwashing gone bad.

Like most people, I get oodles of spam in my inbox.

Earlier, I used to get the "buy rolex for free", "your african elephant died and left you 6 billion dollars", "prozac now cheap" "windows 2300 free" kinda mails. Spam that assumed I was an idiot. Which was fine by me. I'd rather be thought of as an idiot, than upgraded to the next level of spam - targeted spam. 

Because now,  all I get is this: 

Why am I being targeted by spammers who specialize in erectile dysfunction? Something tells me an ex of mine (remember Tabatha?*) is running amok hoping these psychological war mongers can be used to try and wreck my subconscious.

If I didn't have such a massive ego, there's no telling what damage this could have done to my self confidence.

Also, note the fourth mail. The sender's name implies an association with Clark Kent's family; I can't help but admire the subtlety of these guys

And yes I check my spam. Because I have that much free time on my hands. Whattado.

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